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Coping with stress is tough enough without adding self-defeating thoughts and behaviors to the mix. That snarky little voice inside your head tells you you’re not good enough, not smart enough … and never will be. You try to adopt a new health habit but fall off the exercise (or diet) wagon … and decide that while you’re off the wagon, you might as well roll in the mud and enjoy it. Sound familiar? Try reframing!
What research scientists, psychotherapists, and others can tell us about coping is that there are both positive and negative ways of coping. Today we will look at the negative ways — what they are, why they are harmful, and how to get past the hurdles. Be honest with yourself and try to identify the negative tendencies you harbor. Which of these sound most like you?
Break the Worry Bond: Anxiety Culture offers some great tips for getting rid of worry, one of which is to write worries down and “save them for later” (and, as we all know, later never comes). You can trick your mind into letting go of its baggage! You can also harness your worries to help you reach satisfaction and try mindfulness meditation to relax and free your mind.
Identify the Problem: While ignoring a toddler’s misbehavior might help it go away, that strategy does not work for most situations. Ignoring your pile of work results in a bigger pile of work later. Instead of ignoring, try to survey the problem. If you are drowning in debt, try drawing up a list of your debts and resources and creating a budget. If you have too much work to contemplate, make a to-do list and plan a reasonable schedule. Without adequately defining a problem, it usually takes on a larger, scarier form in our mind. Plus, you can't tackle a problem or worry if you don't know what it is and where it starts.
Recognize Strengths: When facing a big problem, it is natural to feel sad, even overwhelmed at first. Some situations are out of our control, but we do not need to feel helpless. Recognize what you can do and appreciate your strengths. If you have a hard time assessing your own strengths, take a free brief strengths assessment through University of Pennsylvania or a a multiple intelligences survey. Take control where you can and build on that. You may need to get help from others to take control, but first, find and nurture your own power.
Stop the Blame Game: Blame can be directed towards self or towards others — but it rarely results in a productive path towards fixing a problem. It is important to accept responsibility for mistakes, for bad situations — but accepting responsibility is an action step towards acknowledging that a solution can be found. Casting blame is a hollow act of shaming the self or scapegoating others. Empower yourself to move forward and focus on setting (and reaching) reasonable goals. Write your goals down, and post them somewhere so you can see them every day. Personally, I use Evernote, a free online tool (with downloadable component and app for iPhone) to help me track my to-do list and goals along with all my work and web clippings.
Talk it Out: Like other negative coping strategies people use unconsciously, withdrawing from the world simply avoids the problem and increases the stress you feel. Talk about your problems. Find a friend. Talk to a priest, pastor, rabbi, or other spiritual adviser. If you are not in the mood for talking to humans, unburden yourself to an animal (many Humane Society locations will let you visit with their cats). Or do something good for the environment: plant a tree and talk to it to relieve your anxieties. Sing about it. Write about it. Blog about it. Find an online forum and see how others are coping with the same type of problem. Reach out and use a lifeline.
Form a New Habit: Many of the above speak to life change and forming new habits. Forming new habits can be a challenge, though, because it is hard to get out of the rut of doing something the same way you always have. Whether you need to start exercising, stop smoking, stick to a budget or adopt another new behavior, the first step is getting started. Taking an action step will help you cope with whatever you are facing. Then, count your wins and keep going! Stick with it and don't give up, even when you hit a snag.
To better understand what stress does to you, read Why Zebras Don't Get Ulcers by Stanford neuroscientist Robert Sapolsky. Sapolsky says that stress is the stuff of our imaginations. Our bodies are not equipped for constant stress, so we need to develop good coping strategies.
The bottom line with coping is that to get control over your problems, you need to accentuate the positive. If you have personal stories or strategies to share, please post a comment and help others!
What research scientists, psychotherapists, and others can tell us about coping is that there are both positive and negative ways of coping. Today we will look at the negative ways — what they are, why they are harmful, and how to get past the hurdles. Be honest with yourself and try to identify the negative tendencies you harbor. Which of these sound most like you?
- You worry endlessly, not just about the problems in front of you at the moment, but the “what ifs” that you can imagine. You wonder if you will ever be happy.
- You try to ignore problems because you figure you cannot do anything to make them better. If you pretend the problem does not exist, it might just go away.
- You feel sad or helpless because you cannot think of any way to solve the problem. You simply cannot manage and often this turns to headaches, stomachaches, back pain, insomnia, and other physical symptoms.
- You blame yourself for the problem. You accept full responsibility and kick yourself for being so stupid.
- You withdraw from the people and activities in your life so you do not have to tell others what is wrong. It is better if you keep to yourself so you do not make anyone else miserable.
Break the Worry Bond: Anxiety Culture offers some great tips for getting rid of worry, one of which is to write worries down and “save them for later” (and, as we all know, later never comes). You can trick your mind into letting go of its baggage! You can also harness your worries to help you reach satisfaction and try mindfulness meditation to relax and free your mind.
Identify the Problem: While ignoring a toddler’s misbehavior might help it go away, that strategy does not work for most situations. Ignoring your pile of work results in a bigger pile of work later. Instead of ignoring, try to survey the problem. If you are drowning in debt, try drawing up a list of your debts and resources and creating a budget. If you have too much work to contemplate, make a to-do list and plan a reasonable schedule. Without adequately defining a problem, it usually takes on a larger, scarier form in our mind. Plus, you can't tackle a problem or worry if you don't know what it is and where it starts.
Recognize Strengths: When facing a big problem, it is natural to feel sad, even overwhelmed at first. Some situations are out of our control, but we do not need to feel helpless. Recognize what you can do and appreciate your strengths. If you have a hard time assessing your own strengths, take a free brief strengths assessment through University of Pennsylvania or a a multiple intelligences survey. Take control where you can and build on that. You may need to get help from others to take control, but first, find and nurture your own power.
Stop the Blame Game: Blame can be directed towards self or towards others — but it rarely results in a productive path towards fixing a problem. It is important to accept responsibility for mistakes, for bad situations — but accepting responsibility is an action step towards acknowledging that a solution can be found. Casting blame is a hollow act of shaming the self or scapegoating others. Empower yourself to move forward and focus on setting (and reaching) reasonable goals. Write your goals down, and post them somewhere so you can see them every day. Personally, I use Evernote, a free online tool (with downloadable component and app for iPhone) to help me track my to-do list and goals along with all my work and web clippings.
Talk it Out: Like other negative coping strategies people use unconsciously, withdrawing from the world simply avoids the problem and increases the stress you feel. Talk about your problems. Find a friend. Talk to a priest, pastor, rabbi, or other spiritual adviser. If you are not in the mood for talking to humans, unburden yourself to an animal (many Humane Society locations will let you visit with their cats). Or do something good for the environment: plant a tree and talk to it to relieve your anxieties. Sing about it. Write about it. Blog about it. Find an online forum and see how others are coping with the same type of problem. Reach out and use a lifeline.
Form a New Habit: Many of the above speak to life change and forming new habits. Forming new habits can be a challenge, though, because it is hard to get out of the rut of doing something the same way you always have. Whether you need to start exercising, stop smoking, stick to a budget or adopt another new behavior, the first step is getting started. Taking an action step will help you cope with whatever you are facing. Then, count your wins and keep going! Stick with it and don't give up, even when you hit a snag.
To better understand what stress does to you, read Why Zebras Don't Get Ulcers by Stanford neuroscientist Robert Sapolsky. Sapolsky says that stress is the stuff of our imaginations. Our bodies are not equipped for constant stress, so we need to develop good coping strategies.
The bottom line with coping is that to get control over your problems, you need to accentuate the positive. If you have personal stories or strategies to share, please post a comment and help others!
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